“So let us begin anew —- remembering on both sides
that civility is not a sign of weakness,
and sincerity is always subject to proof.”

~ John F. Kennedy

Civility is defined as ‘Formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech’.   Civil society, civic culture, and social capital are all important for strengthening democracy and enabling conflict resolution.

What is Social Capital?

While social capital is ” an instantiated informal norm that promotes cooperation between two or more individuals” (Francis Fukuyama) , it cannot in a community of diversity without a foundation in civility. Cultivating civility is an integral element of social capital because it fosters good relationship where ever you engage.

Through civility we behave altruistically,  extending courtesy to one another, creating trust.  The radius of trust is founded on consistency and quality of interpersonal exchange. Every point of engagement is an opportunity to demonstrate civility and more.

Part of our learning modules, RMI has a created a model of mindfulness we call ”The Diamond Rule’.

Respect

Honesty

Accountability

Boundaries

Responsibility

Trust

Reciprocality

Altruism

Unless enculturing civility becomes an initiative educationally, corporately and communally, there will little opportunity to grow trust amongst communities.

In his  book,  A World Waiting to be Born,  M. Scott Peck examines the concept of community by referring to his own philosophy and applying the ideas  to corporate backgrounds. The book explores  self-absorption  and the destructive aspects of materialism which have become part of our  behavioral norms. Peck  proposes a variety of philosophies to help address these challenges.

‘We human beings have often been referred to as social animals. But we are not yet community creatures. We are impelled to relate with each other for our survival. But we do not yet relate with the inclusivity, realism, self-awareness, vulnerability, commitment, openness, freedom, equality, and love of genuine community.’

M Scott Peck

Where is the road map and directions for navigating
the complexities of interpersonal relationships?

Literacy is more than acquiring a set of skills.  Literacy is the capability, confidence and competency we apply and evolve in a changing environment.

To use a common example.  We develop the skill  to understand spoken words at an early age. We develop literacy, the ability to understand and express complex ideas through language,  during our school years.

In the workplace, soft skills courses attempt to address aspects of our interactions with others.   Assertiveness, communication, negotiating, diversity,  team building and managing conflict,  are familiar course titles on offer. Each addresses an aspect of human interactions, however none address the subject comprehensively.

With regard to interpersonal relationships, hiding yourself away or being the strong silent type, is avoiding the issue.  Both psychology and neuroscience have established we are social creatures.  Relationships matter for our emotional well being.  Interpersonal difficulties tell us there is something we don’t understand, either about relationship dynamics, or ourselves.

“The three hardest things in life are diamonds, steel and knowing yourself.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

The first relationship to attend to is our relationship with ourselves.  Gaining self knowledge is an iterative process of better knowing our authentic self  and expressing that self to others.

When you interact with someone, realize that person is another you.  Shalom is a Hebrew  greeting meaning peace, completeness, and welfare . Aloha  means affection, love, peace, compassion and mercy.   These are things that we also wish for ourselves.  Interact with others with this in mind.

If your kindness and respect are not returned, perhaps the other person has not yet reached this level of understanding. From this perspective, we realize good interpersonal relationships are not about winning or getting our way every time.  It is about treating people how you would like to be treated.

Be a diamond, make the first move, be altruistic, engage with others in a respectful and courteous matter and expect the best from others.

Authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character, despite external pressures.

Becoming authentic is an ongoing process of self-discovery that includes realizing our personal and collective potential and acting on that potential. Part of the process is accepting  responsibility for our choices and their consequences. The process leads to congruency between our ideals, values and our actions.

Authenticity in the microcosm of the individual,  propagates to the macrocosm.  Our intention to be authentic in every interaction both individually and collectively results in resilient human relationships.   By being mindful of our interactions we enculture authenticity.

Authenticity is essential for  building sustainable communities.  When we can show up as ourselves and genuinely like the people we engage with,  then collectively,  we are better able to adapt,   find new solutions and  flourish in a changing environment.

Individual Authenticity

• Do I think for myself and speak my truth?
• What fascinates me, what potentials do I want to explore?
• Do I own the consequences of my choices?
• What qualities do I value in myself and in others?
• Is my behavior congruent with my values?
• Where is my compass pointing me to at this time?

Authentic Interaction

• Am I mindful of how my choices may influence another person?
• Do I recognize diversity and appreciate the differences in others?
• Do I interact with others with  respect and courtesy?
• How do I extend degrees of trust?
• Do I respond appropriately when a personal boundary is crossed?
• Is my behavior appropriate given my role and the interaction?
• Do I observe and process the results of my interactions?

Authentic Group Engagement

• What is the group formed to accomplish?
• What am I here to do? What is my role? What contribution is expected of me?
• Is there an expectation of mutual accountability – if so what is it?
• What strategies is the group applying to find solutions?
• How will the group negotiate an impasse should one occur?
• How can we cultivate the positive dynamics of this team?

Organisational Authenticity

• As an organisation do we mean what we say?
• How do our customers experience us?
• Is integrity infused in our products? Is quality a priority?
• How is our culture expressed in our day to day activities?

Interpersonal soft skills are significant in their ability to build relationships forged on trust. Honest communication, mutual respect, even where there are differences of world view or personal opinion, integrity and ethical behaviour, contribute to underpinning the trust factor. Trust is required in constructing healthy communities and organisations, and when it upheld, has been seen to unleash creativity, engender empowerment, optimise teamwork. Fostering a culture of trust, therefore, rewards communities and organizations that hold true to the principles as a highly valuable intangible asset. Both Jack Welch and Warren Bennis maintain it as a key component to business succcess and yet few companies or institutions seem to manage in enfranchise trust sustainably because of a failure to transmit it as a cultural norm.

The characteristics of trustworthiness include integrity, reliability, fairness, caring, openness, reciprocality and, within appropriate caveats that does not transgress a core value set, loyalty. Organizations and institutional policies might promote a culture of trust by promoting open communication, by modeling behaving in socially responsible and ethical ways to every employee.

According to Charles Green, creator of the Trust Equation, ‘the way we use the Trust Creation Process model is really just outcomes of the principles we hold.’ What I understand Charles to impute, it that who we are and what values we hold to be true, informs how we engage and behave with others across the board.

Green maintains that the only way to become trusted is to act consistently from a set of core principles and the four specific principles governing trustworthy behavior that he cites are:

1) A focus on the Other (client, customer, internal co-worker, boss, partner, subordinate) for the Other’s sake, not just as a means to one’s own ends.

We often hear “client-focus,” or “customer-centric.” But these are terms all-too-often framed in terms of economic benefit to the person trying to be trusted.

2) A collaborative approach to relationships.

Collaboration here means a willingness to work together, creating both joint goals and joint approaches to getting there.

3) A medium to long term relationship perspective, not a short-term transactional focus.

Focus on relationships nurtures transactions; but focus on transactions chokes off relationships. The most profitable relationships for both parties are those where multiple transactions over time are assumed in the approach to each transaction.

4) A habit of being transparent in all one’s dealings.

Transparency has the great virtue of helping recall who said what to whom. It also increases credibility, and lowers self-orientation, by its willingness to keep no secrets.

According to Green, applying these principles to all of our actions will develop the fullest potential of trust that bonds and binds relationships, and thereby, builds longevity and reward born from such a strong tie.

As this erudite research on trust reveals, ‘Trust has several beneficial effects. It helps build teams, where trust acts as a bond of tying people together. It reduces energy otherwise required for controls. It helps in cases of conflict. Overall, it reduces task complexity.’

The benefits trust rewards us with professionally, socially and personally, are worthy of our time, attention and investment to explore, accomodate and demonstrate. Make no mistake. your ‘relationship capital’ is being accounted for with every interaction, so it is a wise person that conducts themselves with every meritricious endeavour of creating relationships bound and bonded in trust.

Understanding the power of a quality relationship management depends a good deal on an awareness of people’s behaviour and preferences. Soliciting from any group, community or department, what motivates, inspires and provides satisfying experiences is key to creating strong bonds and powerful alliances that drive buy in and support, no matter the context.

Currently relationship management, across all it’s various attributions, is poorly understood and even more abysmally executed. If the current understanding of relationship management is simply to monitor and respond to negative commentary on your reputation, your brand, your business or your services, or to follow up and cross sell when the customer or client has fallen off your radar, this is no better than shutting the stable door long after the horse has bolted it. It’s about listening, responding, reciprocating, acknowledging, modeling ethics and values, everywhere you are or your business is active.

The value of building and maintaining a reputation built on the seven principles of human givens (accountability, boundaries, respect, responsibility, honesty, support and trust) means creating cooperative alliances and rewarding relationships. This cannot be short cut, avoided, undeserved or manipulated. We are each being held to account on our behaviours in regard to our commitments and on this we stand or fall in peer assessment.

There is no excuse now, given the quantity and quality of tracking technologies and social media assets, not to create a formidable and very manageable strategy to build and sustain quality relationships and use all positive testimonials, word of mouth recommendations and quality referrals to build personal and professional capital as well as business advantage. To fail to implement such a strategy is to be asleep at the wheel in a fast moving and competitive world.