Physicist, David Bohm once said that society is based on shared meaning, which constitutes the culture. This shared meaning is the “glue” or the “cement” that holds society together. Shared meaning is necessary for society to function properly and for it to survive.

In his essay Dialogue and Coherence, William van den Heuvel describes Bohm’s ideas of the binding effect of sharing  common meanings and the challenge of achieving  shared menaing.

Through the media  we all get the same incomplete information and, therefore, we all come to the same distorted conclusions.  When communicating from person to person; is not only about what has happened but also why it happened. What are our beliefs, our opinions and  assumptions? What is important to you and what is important to me?

Understanding ourselves is the first step to better self expression.

Self-concept is the basis for intrapersonal communication, because it determines how a person sees themself and is oriented toward others. Self-concept (also called self-awareness) involves three factors: beliefs, values and attitudes. How they express that state is fundamental to building qualitative relationships.

When we know each other we are better able to understand each other.

Communication can be carried out by auditory means, such as speaking, singing, and sometimes tone of voice, and nonverbal, physical means, such as body language, sign language, paralanguage, touch, eye contact, or the use of writing. Whatever the medium, though, communication still means that one or more individuals are transferring information. The question becomes whether the information transmitted can be received and correctly interpreted.

• How you speak to people shapes how they view you and relate to you.
• The language you choose, the tone in which you express and the behaviour you adopt, all play a significant role in peoples perception of you.
• Your words, voice tone and inflection can elicit powerful emotions from others, without you realizing it.

We build relationships through our interactions.   How we choose to engage  in each and every interaction determines the quality of the relationship.   Be mindful of what you are saying, why you are saying it and how you are saying it.    Express yourself appropriately, constructively and concisely.

It matters.

” I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel”

Maya Angelou

Where is the road map and directions for navigating
the complexities of interpersonal relationships?

Literacy is more than acquiring a set of skills.  Literacy is the capability, confidence and competency we apply and evolve in a changing environment.

To use a common example.  We develop the skill  to understand spoken words at an early age. We develop literacy, the ability to understand and express complex ideas through language,  during our school years.

In the workplace, soft skills courses attempt to address aspects of our interactions with others.   Assertiveness, communication, negotiating, diversity,  team building and managing conflict,  are familiar course titles on offer. Each addresses an aspect of human interactions, however none address the subject comprehensively.

With regard to interpersonal relationships, hiding yourself away or being the strong silent type, is avoiding the issue.  Both psychology and neuroscience have established we are social creatures.  Relationships matter for our emotional well being.  Interpersonal difficulties tell us there is something we don’t understand, either about relationship dynamics, or ourselves.

“The three hardest things in life are diamonds, steel and knowing yourself.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

The first relationship to attend to is our relationship with ourselves.  Gaining self knowledge is an iterative process of better knowing our authentic self  and expressing that self to others.

When you interact with someone, realize that person is another you.  Shalom is a Hebrew  greeting meaning peace, completeness, and welfare . Aloha  means affection, love, peace, compassion and mercy.   These are things that we also wish for ourselves.  Interact with others with this in mind.

If your kindness and respect are not returned, perhaps the other person has not yet reached this level of understanding. From this perspective, we realize good interpersonal relationships are not about winning or getting our way every time.  It is about treating people how you would like to be treated.

Be a diamond, make the first move, be altruistic, engage with others in a respectful and courteous matter and expect the best from others.

The value of understanding and practicing the skill sets of relationship capital ensure you never suffer from being the topic of the book ‘The No Asshole Rule’. Relationship Capital requires us to act and behave in alignment with the Golden Rule. However, if you work in any reasonable sized organisation, or have made a hasty hire, you have undoubtedly crossed the path of those for whom the golden rule is alien.  The office bully, the vicious boss, we all have our personal encounters to tell. In his book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One, Stanford Professor Robert Sutton describes the financial implications of jerks in the workplace.  He demonstrates how bullies cost businesses big time with the tale of an employer of a highly compensated salesman in Silicon Valley decided to quantify the costs of his star employee’s bad behaviors. The employer estimated that the cost to the business for one year was $160,000 spent on anger-management training, overtime costs associated with last-minute demands, time spent by HR professionals to mitigate his disasters, not even including the amount of colleagues he siderailed on the way. “In an organization of 1,000 people, the total annual cost of office jerks (TCJ = Total Cost of Jerks) is estimated at $750,000,” says Sutton. Sutton, a management science suggests that we can all be difficult at times, but there are those who seem to make a career out of it. Identifying them isn’t too difficult, handling them is. The fact is those who are obnoxious are difficult to fire as they are often in positions of authority, who somehow have managed to convince the boss that they talented and effective when they are simply bullies. Professor Sutton’s book shows you how to deal with these people in a work environment.

Signs to watch for:

1. Personal insults
2. Invading one’s personal territory
3. Uninvited personal contact
4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and non-verbal
5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems
6. Withering email flames
7. Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
8. Public shaming or status degradation rituals
9. Rude interruptions
10. Two-faced attacks
11. Dirty looks
12. Treating people as if they are invisible

Cost to businesses include lost productivity when people talk about the latest incident rather than working, overt or covert sabotaging of systems, processes and strategies, churn resulting in the need to hire, train and recapture lost knowledge. There will also be difficulty in recruiting internal candidates because a manager has developed a bad reputation. Factor in the time spent on complaints and mediation involving HR or the bullies direct report because people don’t want to work with them. Implementing relationship capital as a cultural norm allows people to identify and deal proactively these types far more effectively with peer values that diminish the destructive impact such people impose.

Workplace anger is like anger within a family given the time spent there, but a work family’s dynamic relationships positions above and below make the circumstances particularly sensitive.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D. in Conflict Resolution, is President & CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, an international firm based in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which provides conflict resolution interventions and conflict resolutions skills training at all levels, from inter-personal to international disputes. She recently wrote about the sensitivity of workplace relationships during these times of radical transition and layoffs. ‘The present recession in the world is reflecting a very difficult social situation that affects everybody. The job insecurity raises a high level of anxiety in all of us…trying personal resources to the limit. How each person answers the challenge depends on several variables, and mostly it has to do with our own ability to keep calm and in control of negative emotions like anger and despair. If there is old anger, then workplace disputes can become more often and escalate faster to interpersonal violence.

There is a good resource to learn anger management techniques in the work place here.'. This video also addresses workplace anger:

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